Cloudy Days

I'm not sure what stops me from writing again. I miss those days when I really enjoyed writing & blogging. Buka email tadi, ada komen baru dekat entri lama. Terharu ada lagi yang sudi baca tulisan kecil saya tu🥹 Rasa macam terjentik untuk menulis lagi tapi tahlah macam dah takde rasa nak menulis.

I came to a huge realization that my passion in writing has grown less over days. It shatters my heart that I'm no longer having enthusiasm over the thing I thought I would enjoy doing for a lifetime. Even so, I hope this is just a phase. One thing I realized, I started to have less interest in writing since I embarked on my internship. The correlation is, I applied for a junior writer position in this one publishing company so you can imagine how much writing I had done during that period. I almost lost count on how many times I got writer's block and I lost count on how many times I got headaches from completing writing tasks every single day. So maybe that's why I don't find fun in writing anymore. I hope this is just a phase lah. 

Entah lah, katanya tak ada motivasi nak menulis tapi rancak pula tulis entri ni? Hahaha. On laptop sebenarnya nak siapkan wedding invitation my bestfriend. Aaaaa sorang lagi nak tinggalkan saya. Saya tak ready nak ditinggalkan hahaha. Banyak benda yang kita dah buat sama sama tapi banyak juga wishlist kita yang belum kesampaian kan (termasuk lah pergi sabah naik kereta??😂🤣) aku tahu kau tak baca pun blog aku ni tapi sebab kau tak baca lah aku tulis kat sini😂Kita tak pernah nak cakap i love you bagai bagai tapi ketahuilah aku sayang gila kau. Aku memang sedih kau dah nak kahwin tapi at the same time aku happy sangat sangat. It's all worth the wait. I know you’ve been waiting for this for such a long time.  Semoga bahagia milik korang sampai syurga. Thank you so much selalu ada untuk aku. We had such a dramatic time when we met last month. It was getting more dramatic when we both let each other know that we will always still have each other even if our status changes. Last time we met, she stayed over at mine so we spent the whole night together until almost 4 am. Lepas tu mula la masing-masing mata rabak hahaha.

Tak tahu la apa yang busy sangat nya, tapi the 3 paragraphs that i wrote are in my draft. Ni baru menyambung semula lepas on laptop.  Itu pun sebab khamis ni nak kena jawab exam for this one position that i applied for. Sebab tu lah buka laptop untuk go through sikit sikit tips jawab exam.  Mudah-mudahan ada rezeki kat situ. Klue : my alma mater. Haha. Mak sedara cakap, sayang sangat dia nak tinggal tempat belajar dia tu sampai apply kerja pun kat situ. Hahaha. Sebenarnya bukan lah sebab sayang, tapi rasa macam boleh develop my personal growth kat situ, insya-Allah amin. Kot-kot lah nanti nanti ada rezeki buat master pula kat situ. Amin ya rabbal alamin. 

Lately kan, i've been scrolling tiktok in such an unhealthy amount. I laughed, I cried, I smiled from watching videos from tiktok. Yang sedih tu, betul-betul sedih. Yang kelakar betul betul kelakar. I can laugh over a comment straight for 5 minutes! Hahaha. Semua kreatif membina komen kat situ ye. Nampak tak sebenarnya dah kena start serious untuk masa depan? I mean, I'm not being not serious pun. I applied for jobs, I did some reading. I read a lot of tips for interviews. I just think that I should make myself more busy because I feel like I'm not doing good things from just scrolling my social media in such an unhealthy amount. I need to do something that values my time and energy. I miss those days when I had less time to spend on social media. I miss those days when I was stressed over just a test. In a nutshell, I miss my degree journey. That’s all haha. Bila rasa diri tak busy kan, rasa macam tak guna nya aku ni. Demikianlah manusia, bila tak busy minta busy. Bila busy mula la stress sakit kepala. Minyak kapak ada je atas meja. Haha. Ni cakap untuk diri sendiri ni, bukan tuju kat orang lain. Even study kejap tadi pun rasa bersemangat je. Tak tahu lah kan, mungkin salah satu faktor, rumah ni terlalu sunyi kot. I am always grateful that I have opportunity to stay with my mum a little bit longer before I start working but this house is so lonely that I can cry over this loneliness. 

Sometimes, i don't understand why i need to grow up and stay apart from my siblings. I grew up with them for years and pufffff just like that, we are all already on our own and we need to stay apart and we just get to see each other only once in a blue moon. I did not like that. I was hoping that we could stay together until our hair grew gray. But at the same time I am always aware that that is not how life is. I slowly accept and adapt that life must go forward. They work far from home, they get married, have spouses and children. That is beautiful. I am actually grateful for what they have become now. I just miss the togetherness. I am all alone in this house and it hurts so bad. Tapi alhamdulillah, sentiasa bersyukur boleh ada dengan mak sentiasa. Hari-hari boleh jumpa mak. That really is such a huge blessing for me. Alhamdulillah.

You never know how excited I am if any of my siblings call and inform me that they want to come back home. Tapi sekarang ni more to tunggu anak-anak buah lah. Mak pak dia belakang kira lah hahaha gurau gurau. Tak tahu la kalau maksu dia ni mengada ngada or over sensitif ke apa tapi tengok diorang membesar rasa tak ready nak terima satu hari nanti diorang akan sibuk dengan kehidupan masing-masing juga. Wehh aaa nangis la taip ni pun haha. Rindunya semua. Maksu loves all of you so much..wholeheartedly. Jumpa nanti nak tarik pipi sorang sorang sampai diorang annoyyed haha. Oh ye, tadi irfan ada match rugby (maksu dia ni pernah overthinking dia boleh ke masuk rugby. Badan halus, lembik je tengok 😅) tapi dia dah buktikan dia boleh. I'm so proud of my baby. Team dia juara tau🥺 Maksu ingat lagi time dia kecil dulu, maksu la teman dia tengok frozen patplohnam juta kali sampai dah boleh hafal skrip. Eh eh sekarang dah besar, dah join team rugby sekolah. Why can't you guys just stay being babies? Tapi tu lah, dah menang rugby boleh pula nak upah & request maksu bake egg tart??? Entah apa kaitan. Minta lah kat mama! Hahaha.

That is me these days. I'm okay but i am not doing fine. Maybe that is the exact word to define what I feel these days. Apa apa pun, semuanya baik-baik sahaja, insya-Allah. 

By the way, if this entry comes across your sight, please pray that I will pass the exam and will do well for the interview and get accepted for the position that I applied for. Tau tau tauuu. Semoga yang baik-baik juga untuk yang baca in case ada yang baca lah. Semoga urusan semua orang dipermudahkan. Adios a todos!